Well, I have feared the worst (or is it really?)! I received an email from the University yesterday stating that it may be difficult to get everything I need before the January intake date. So that means…yep…I procrastinated. Totally my fault! So now, I have to email her back and ask if September would be better than January. In a way, I am relieved. Actually, to tell you the truth, I am a lot relieved! I feel like a big weight has been, partially, lifted but is still just dangling there.
On the flip side, I took a sick day yesterday and spent the day painting. It made me think of going to one of those art retreats in France. I saw it on House Hunters. Maybe I should look into that until September!
Well, here I am. 3 months have past since my trip to London. 3 months of agonizing torture on what to do regarding school. Here is where I am in the process. I decided to move forward with plans to start the program January 16th. I have accepted the offer, have filled out the accommodation application, filled out the financial aid, and gave my notice at my apartment (it has to be a 60 day notice). The school sent the COA (cost of attendance) back to me. As I was filling it out, I literally had to catch my breath. It comes to a grand total of $41k!!! OUCH!!! So now, I am stuck! I am stuck with the program, stuck on the room and board, and…well…I’m just stuck! I am almost down to the wire in leaving my job. I have to give a month’s notice so that means I need to quit this week or next! No pressure or anything! I am truly at a loss on what to do! Do I follow my head which screams stability and pursue the degree or do I follow my heart and do things that I am passionate about like learning French, taking some clay classes, sculpting classes, or art all around? I am stressed! My tummy is messed up, and I am very overwhelmed. I desire to live in London so much , but am not sure the degree is the way to get there! And as I am typing this out, the London based movie The Wedding Date is on. That doesn’t help! I have started to cry!
So what is left? What is on my list (because you know there is one) that I need to do? After I fill out the COA and send it back, I will receive my CAS number. This is what I need to get the Visa. Oh…I need to do one more thing for the financial aid too. I need bank statements, finger prints, photos, visa application, and pay the fee. Then wrapping up things here involves me getting new luggage, give notice at work, work out storage for my things, purchase a new laptop (which I have one I have my eye on), figure out what I am going to do about my cell phone and its contract that isn’t up for a year and a half, change my netflix, my church tithes, turn off my cable, turn off electric, sell my car, forward mail, check out medical insurance just in case there is a gap when I am uninsured, purchase a plane ticket, and change my car insurance. Can you see why I am a little stressed out?
I have started my yoga back to help in the relaxation process, but there is only so much it can do! I have to constantly tell myself “it’s ok, Leslie! Take one day at a time!” But look where one day at a time has got me! It’s do or die now, and I have no idea what to do!
What I wouldn’t give for a fairy godmother (preferably Merryweather from Sleeping Beauty; she’s my favorite. She was the blue, chubby one who didn’t get things right…well…maybe I don’t want her come to think of it) or Tinkerbell right about now! Heck, I would even take Glenda from Oz, although the deal is off if I have to take the wicked witch and that lady the house lands on. Remember…I’m the peacemaker! Wickedness is not welcome in my happy abode! Anywho, I need someone to wave a magic wand and allow me to see myself in the furture…say…6 months from now. Will I be here? Will I be at school? Will I be at school in London? Will I be homeless because I gave my notice in thinking I was going to England? Will I be jobless because I gave my notice in thinking I was going to England? Will I be car-less because I was thinking I was going to England? Do you see a pattern here?!? So…if I could have an angel, fairy godmother (if not Flora, Fauna, or Merryweather, then preferably female), Mother Teresa (which would, technically, be an angel), God, etc. let me know which road to choose, I would greatly appreciate it! Yes…I am a Libra and Yes…I am VERY indecisive! I think it drives my man nuts when I can’t decide on things i.e. what to eat for dinner or…say…if his woman will be leaving him for England (and if his mind gets the best of him, Hugh Grant or Jude Law). I know whatever road I choose, I feel like I can excel at it, but we are talking about two different roads here…one here and one there. So please, wise counselor, angels above, fairies with wands, fairies with sparkly dust, help me make a decision before my lease is up on the 18th! In the words of Mr. Darcy (because everything sounds better coming from Mr. Darcy), “I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment.”
For over a year now (I think), I have been following a blogist from London whom I have added to this blog in the past. Her name is Stephanie, and she is a writer, journalist, and amazing photographer. She is fantastic and has allowed me, in many ways, to let London into my mind day in and day out. With photos from around the vibrant city to different cultures and diversity to recommendations on restaurants or wandering off the tourist trail, she really has expanded my thinking from what I found in my 5 days in London to something magical. Yes…it’s not all a fairytale; there are loads of people/crowds to attend to and the lovely, packed tube ride, but to get to explore in my mind some of the places that Stephanie has taken her viewers is wonderful. She has a way for you to see the beauty of London even if you are across the pond.
Each morning, when my alarm goes off (still using the cell phone alarm), I roll over to my Blackberry, turn the alarm off, and view my emails. I have subscribed to http://littlelondonobservationist.wordpress.com and receive her emails each day. Due to the time difference between Nashville and London, I receive those emails at some point while I’m sleeping. So when my alarm goes off and I can see all the junk email I get i.e. ToysRus, Ann Taylor, J Crew, Pottery Barn, etc., I see Stephanie’s email prompting me to look at her latest post. To wake up to pictures she takes around London puts a smile on my face and allows me to spend the day in, truly, a “London fog.” It’s a daily reminder for me what that wonderful city has to offer.
Last weekend, I rolled over to see all 15 emails with 1 of substance; it was Stephanie’s post. As I began to read, squinting from not having my glasses on as well as my eyes adjusting to the bright screen, I saw where she was leaving London. No details were given…just an “I will be leaving London…”. She did mention that she was going to turn her last blog on herself, for people to shoot her some questions, and she will answer them in her last, London blog. “Oh no” I thought…I always look forward to those emails, those photos, etc. It’s a little escape for me. Being the person that I am (not too shy), I emailed Stephanie to let her know how wonderful her blog was, how much it meant to me (in a non-stalkerish kind of way), and how much I will miss seeing her posts from around London. I asked her a few questions in the email that she addressed in her last blog which is on her home page.
While I feel like a little sad to not be taking a glimpse into the life of London that Stephanie provided for me, I realize that, in a way, I am living someone elses dream not my own. She has painted a wonderful picture in my mind; now it’s time to put that picture to canvas. I have taken a couple of weeks off from work at the end of March into April and have plans to make my way to London. I haven’t bought a ticket yet as I am still trying to figure out if another leg of the trip is needed, but London is a definite. So while I will miss Stephanie’s view of London, I can’t help but be reminded of Joni Mitchell’s song Both Sides Now. She has a lyric which is the title of this post and fits the moment. I will miss the little london obersvationist (and look forward to her new blog in her new city), but I am excited to venture out to make my own memories. Yes…something’s lost, but something’s gained…
As I sit here, in the dark, alone, tub of ice cream (coconut ice cream) close beside me, candle lit which is a Christmas scent and makes me miss my Christmas tree, I am very much aware of how I would love to be in the UK right now. I have recently discovered a London blog from a girl who moved from New York to London, her struggles which is the point in her blog where I am now, and eventually her love for the city. Her blog is http://bloodybrill.blogspot.com. There is not one, single day that goes by that I don’t think of the UK, mainly London. And as I read her story, her frustrations, her anxiety, I can almost feel myself going through the same trials if I decide, one day, to move across the pond. What is the best way to get there i.e. work or school? How would I manage without knowing anyone? What would be the fate of me and my boyfriend of 6 years? Could I really get a place with a bathtub (haha)? It is easy to say that I am very independent here in Nashville, TN which is the largest city I have lived in, but to be so far away, not know a sole, and manage somehow on my own scares the shit out of me! I take trips by myself and love spending time away from the daily grind, but this is no “vacation!” This is the real deal, and how do I cope with that? This coming from a girl who has never hailed a cab nor rode in one by herself; from a girl who has never taken mass transportation by herself nor ever flown by herself!!
I would like to think that I am independent thanks to my mother who did a fantastic job raising me and my sister. She went through hard times, but did what she had to do for her kids. She has always pushed me to reach for the stars and is the sole root of my independence, but it’s time like this (and reflecting on the last part of the 1st paragraph), as I sit in my comfort zone quite frankly starting to tear up at this post, that I don’t feel so independent; that I feel co-dependent (it pains me to type that) and comfortable in my surrounds, in my friends who come and go as I have learned growing up in bouncing around from town to town and school to school, in my job of 8 years where I just got a promotion on Friday which makes decision-making even harder, to my family not always being in the best of health especially my stepdad who I love and adore very much, to my group of bible study girls who have allowed me to have a close-knit relationship with other females which has been hard for me in the past. All of these things make me realize that I do have a wonderful life here in TN. So why the longing to be somewhere else? (Insert ice cream and wipe tear).
It is fear that hits me hard…my head trying to talk my heart out of it. But my heart longs for something more. I pray constantly on the direction of my life, what God wills of me vs. my own selfish desires (although I do believe that if you want something bad enough, God will allow it to happen; I’m not sure I believe the pre-destined path). My head is all over the place as well as my heart (insert ice cream). I remember all the past times of anxiety attacks, weight loss (insert ice cream), and stupid mistakes that made me feel all alone here although my family was less that 30 miles away. This is a totally different feeling which reassures me that if I can go through what I went through in the past, I can make it through anything.
So as I continue to sit in the dark, in my yoga clothes, still longing for that Christmas tree, eating my yummy ice cream, I contemplate my life in another city, with other people, with other opportunities…to think is this confusion really worth it? Is God trying to tell me something? Hey…that’s an old church hymn I think..well…I know it’s from the movie Color Purple (fantastic movie!).
Anywho, I pray for clarity and peace through this journey as confusing as it is. If others have jumped over the pond, happen to read this, and have some words of wisdom. I am all ears!
It’s going to be a busy next two weeks. With tackling more at work, but less during working hours, I have found myself working at night to make up for the day time lost. This week, I must be nose-down in work and motivated. Let’s face it…nothing I am doing really get’s me motivated, but it pays the bills so I need to stay focused. I have been very preoccupied in my higher education search and where that might lead me. So although I have been working in body, my mind is totally not there which it really needs to be given my new role (same pay…ughh). I also have the Disney trip the first of December so I need to buckle down and get work done before I leave. Got a pretty big presentation the day I come back so need to get my slides ready for that (I don’t have to speak thank goodness!)
So with that said, blogging may be a little minimal which it has been this month already. I just have a lot on my mind and am looking for a little clarity (or Brandy…always have Brandy on hand!)
(I must first add that I misspelled the word vegetarian so I’m not really off to a very good start! Thank goodness for spell check, or I would have looked really stupid…which I probably do now for telling this. Anywho…) I have thought recently about becoming a vegetarian. I love fruits and veggies and could live off of those most days. The one down fall for me is pig. I LOVE ME SOME SWINE! Bacon, ham, pork chops, bbq, etc… I could eat it every day and it’s probably one of the worst meats for you. All the other meats, I could live without, but there’s something about that little piggy that makes me so happy shoved between two pieces of bread, lettuce, and tomato. So my question is (in case any random person stumbles across this post or the 2 people who frequently read this blog have any input), is it really difficult to become a vegetarian? Should it be a gradual process? I must rule out substituting milk products instead of meat i.e. more cheese. I can’t do dairy so that’s a no-go for me. I love fish so I would, technically, not be eating meat. Is eating fish frowned upon in the land of vegetarians?
Have you ever had that feeling that something big was going to happen soon in your life? I’m not talking about this week or even this month. I just have a strange feeling that something is moving in me and as chaotic and confusing as it seems at times, I know that things will be just fine…stressful, nerve-racking, and tears might even be shed, but still fine. I would like to think this is something positive, but as a one of my dearest friends pointed out several days ago, she had the same feeling last Christmas and a few months later her father passed away. Now…I am not trying to put a damper on it, but I just know, by or in the Spring of 2011, something is going to happen to me; I can feel it. I’m not talking about selling my car or something small like that. It’s going to big! This post is to serve as an AH HA for me when that day comes. I am going to go back to this post and repost with a “progress report”. That way, I can say “who needs Miss Cleo or Dionne Warwick…I have my own psychic abilities!” What ever happened to them anyway (must google)…
In a quest to be less of an old fart, my friend Kelly and I decided to take up dancing (not with each other). I have never taken dance before, but considering I go Yoga regularly, was a cheerleader back in the day (we had some dance routines), and had taken gymnastics for years growing up, I think my body and coordination can handle dance for the most part. They say (according to Kelly) that you should take Ballet first to learn a good structure. So that’s what we did tonight…we signed up for Ballet lessons to be held for 8 weeks on every Monday. Of course, we were the only two people who signed up at the open house, but none the less we are super stoked about it. I have always wanted to do some kind of dance. I remember, at one point in my childhood, almost taking clogging. That dream quickly died when I found out that clogging wasn’t cool at that age. Now, at 30 and in far less shape than if we were 15, we will be strapping on some ballet slippers and tights (maybe not real tights, but tighter pants which is not too hard for me to find these days as most of my normal pants are tight. Ugghhh). So hang on to your tutu, we’re headed to ballet…
It’s never a good sign when you wake up thinking about work. It was definitely that kind of morning for me. As soon as my alarm went off, I had thoughts of work. Mainly, it’s because I worked late yesterday and have a “to do” by Friday. But with that said, no one should wake up and think of work first. It should be things like “man…I’m hungry” or even “I really have to pee”; not “I need to add those three columns in to my spreadsheet when I get in.” I tried to change my thought process to something else i.e. art, painting, traveling, or (a given) London. I hate to say it, but at times my old job sounds pretty good. Not that I don’t like my new one; it’s just that it’s new and unfamiliar territory to me. I wonder when it will become familiar; I’ve been in it for 6 months now. There could be days when I don’t get a single email then other days when I have 50 things going on, but even those days are rare. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the feeling of being lost; like the information I am producing isn’t accurate or it takes 80 people to give me an answer. I miss the constant flow of work that I had at all times with my previous position and I knew what I was doing; I didn’t have to rely on so many people to do my job. I got in, nose down in work, iPod in, and got out. It could be hectic at times (crazy people and tight deadlines), but satisfying work. It’s not every day that I feel like that now. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go back to the old job (mainly due to the people and feeling used), but that sense of urgency, detail, and fast pace is something I miss from time to time. I spent the first half of today researching stuff and basically putting off what I really needed to accomplish simply because it made me feel in control. I was doing something that was familiar and I liked more than the other “to do” stuff. Then it was time for lunch. Then the dreaded “to do” project was in front of me; starting at me; taunting me. What I wouldn’t give to crawl back in bed or be on vacation somewhere. I so need a vacation! The last time I went somewhere for an extended time was October 2008. That’s right folks…that’s 2008!!! Way to damn long! I dream every day of places to go, places to travel, to see the world, to explore, and every day I am working! That’s it!!! I am scheduling some vacation time! The destination will come later, but scheduling time is the first step. There are so many places I want to go. London (of course), Paris, Switzerland, and many places in the US. In the mean time, I’ll have to be content in reality finding my happy place…
In a Pipe Dream 